1)I am not paid to be psychic.
1a)Monet made a whole fuckload of pictures, no I don't know which one has the waterlilies you want.
1b)No, I don't fucking know which picture will go with your couch.
1c)I don't fucking care if your dog/cat/fish will like it or not.
1d)I don't know how much light your living room gets.
2)Yes, I am the professional. Yes, I do probably know what will look good. So take my fucking advice already! Your picture is red, green mats and a purple frame will not work.
3)What fucking difference does one/two dollar(s) make? You're already getting 10% off! No, I'm not knocking it off the price for you.
4)Yes, limited edition prints are expensive. Yes, I'm sure you could take the same picture and have us print/frame it for cheaper. So how about you just fucking do that rather than standing here yelling at me about the price.
5)You want an estimate on getting a piece framed when you don't know the size, don't know what mats/frame you want and don't know what glass you want or even if it needs glass? Sure! Somewhere between $50 and $2000.
Please note, there are actually nice things I get to say in all those situations, since the customers are looking for service from me. It doesn't actually bother me. After all, it's what I'm being paid to do and I really like the job. The weirdos are only about 5%. Most people that come through are cool.
The last one however... I just want to say fuck you to everyone who does it. Seriously.
6)DOES MY NAMETAG FUCKING SAY "DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE" YOU FUCKWIT?? NO?? HOW ABOUT THE HUGE SIGN OVER THE ENTRANCE?? NO?? THEN STOP ASKING ME FOR DIRECTIONS!!!
6a)LOOK AT THE GODDAMNED MAP! IT'S TEN FEET BEHIND YOU! THE BLUE AND GREEN DISPLAY WITH A BIG-ASS QUESTION MARK AND A BIG-ASS FUCKING MAP!! IN FACT, YOU WALKED PAST IT TO COME HERE AND INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M ON THE PHONE/WITH A CUSTOMER!!
Oh, and I'm not kidding about the "Will my dog/cat/fish/bird/whatever like it" question. Lonely little old ladies are a strange breed.